(Originally posted on 9/29/13 on Swag On, Momma)
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| I love Patrick! Ha, he looks so baby-face without his goatee. :) |
You know how when you're first married, older couples look at you, chuckle, and sigh, "Oh newly-wedded bliss!" Well, sometimes hearing that made me feel pretty crappy.
For us, the first few months were a little less than blissful. It's hard to admit this too, because I don't want you to think, "Oh man, they have a rocky marriage..." Cause I am--and forever will be--so grateful to have my loving, kind, funny Patrick for a husband. Life is good! :) But, we had to get to this point. The truth is: though it's wonderful, marriage isn't perfect. It's two people coming from different backgrounds trying to become one family unit: unless you are both super easy-going people, with fabulous communication, there's bound to be some issues. I mean, guys and girls think and react differently and every person has their own unique way of seeing things. For us, we had to hash out some of these differences right at the beginning.
We had both lived independently for several years and we were used to doing things our own way, without needing someone else's approval. Suddenly, we were a married couple and we were having a hard time figuring out how to constructively handle differences of opinions.
One night, after a "fight" (we weren't the yelling-and-throwing-things type...we just mostly got hurt and quiet and withdrew from each other) I was laying in bed next to my husband after our nightly prayer. I wanted to finish talking through the conflict, but he turned over and wanted to let it be. I wondered, "Doesn't everybody say, "Never go to bed angry? Aren't we supposed to resolve this now? Are we going to fail if we can't communicate?" Tears of frustration and worry about us slid down my face, soaking my pillow. Though I was right next to my husband, I felt alone. I was silently willing him to turn to me and say, "I'm sorry. Let's figure this out. I love you."
But, he didn't.
I quietly cried, and thought, "I'm sure he knows I'm crying. Why doesn't he reach out to me?"
I lay there till I couldn't take it anymore. I slipped out of bed, walked into the living room, and curled up on the couch. My heart was aching and I needed him to come to me: I didn't need him to tell me I was right, and he was wrong--I just needed him to put his arms around me and to reassure me that he loved me despite the conflict.
After waiting in the dark, cold living room, listening to the clock tick for a long time, the harsh realization came: He is not coming.
I felt crushingly dissapointed by the man who I loved so much. Sobs shook me as I wondered, "How could he let me suffer alone?" I ached and cried to my Heavenly Father. I was so confused--I knew I had made the right decision to marry Patrick--I had felt God's approval and guidance throughout our relationship, unlike I'd ever felt with any other boy. So why was marriage proving to be so hard? Why weren't conflicts easy to talk through? Weren't we supposed to be full of newly-wedded bliss? And, WHY wasn't Patrick coming to me and making it better?!
When I was all cried out, I lay there sniffling, curled up on the loveseat of our tiny basement apartment, and pondered. In the quiet, the thought came: "You are looking to the wrong source for healing."
It was so powerful-- a gentle reminder from my loving Heavenly Father. After pondering this for a few minutes, I again began to pray. I told my Father how my heart was aching. I explained that I knew it was good and right for Patrick and I to be husband and wife, but we were having a rough time figuring out how to live together, communicate well, and cooperate. I told Him that I knew my Savior had already felt my worry and loneliness, and tonight I desperately needed Him to comfort me.
Immediately, a warm peace filled my empty and aching heart with God's love. Not many times in my life have I had such a dramatic and immediate answer to prayer...often my answers come with time and patience, but this time, He granted relief as soon as I asked. Though it may seem like a small thing, to my hurting soul, this was a miracle!
I marveled at the complete love that filled me and basked in it. With grateful tears in my eyes, I thanked Him for His kindness and for healing my heart. And, though I was exhausted and my eyes raw, His love was enough. I took my weary body back to bed, and slipped in next to my husband.
Who was completely deep in sleep.
Wow. He wasn't stonily ignoring my pain, he was just...sleeping! Ha--He didn't even know that I was distraught! It was almost comical how I had expected him to read my mind and come to my rescue, while he was dead asleep. Over time I've realized he is more of a "let's sleep on it, and talk about it in the morning when we're not so tired." kind of guy. And that's fine!
This experience was life changing. I learned that I can't expect that my husband will be able to do/be everything that I need. He can't "make" me happy or fix all my hurts and worries. At times he will even be the cause of my pain or disappointment...cause, guess what--he's human! And there have been and will definitely still be many times that I disappoint and frustrate him--Cause I'm human too!
Also, he can't read my mind. The only ones who fully and completely know my heart and my thoughts, my desires, and motivations, are my Heavenly Father and His Son. Jesus Christ knows my every sorrow, hurt, heartache, guilt, and worry. He felt my pain and paid for my sins.
Sometimes, I have to remember, if I am sad or frustrated, and I look to my husband, like, "Why don't you make this better?" then I am asking him to heal me. And, that is not his role. He is my partner, my companion, my soundboard, my love, and closest friend--But he is not my Savior. Just like that gentle reminder to me when I sobbed on the couch, only Christ can fill the role of Savior and Healer. My husband can give me love, support, and comfort, but true and complete healing only comes through the power of Christ's atonement. And, I can't fix my hub either. We both have to turn to the Lord as individuals and as a couple. If do all that I can to make life good (even when it's not easy) and rely on my Savior--He will fulfill me. His love will radiate through me as I reach out to my husband, children, neighbors, and every person I meet. (In other words, let your light so shine! Mathew 5:14-16) His love will enable me to be more Christ-like and be a better spouse. It was eye-opening to see that I had unrealistic expectations of my spouse and of marriage in general.
I believe with all of my heart that regardless of marital status (single, divorced, etc) or problems in a marriage, when we are doing all we can to follow Christ, we will feel love, peace, and fulfillment. Even in trials. I'm not just saying that either...I know it and I've felt it. I believe in the Savior's promise to each of us that He will carry our burdens. And all of us will go through some really bad crap in this life--heavy, heavy burdens that make us tremble under the weight. Though I don't know what each of your hidden battles are, I do know that God does. He loves you. He sent His Son for you, and through the Savior, you can be lifted and strengthened and healed--He's just waiting for you to turn to Him!
Friends, thank you for letting me open my heart to you! :) I gotta get cheesy for a minute and tell you that I love you! It's been amazing to feel your support, read your stories, and hear your comments since starting this blog. And because I love you, I wanted to share with you what means the most to me: my faith in God and His Son. Whatever your beliefs, I hope you know and believe that YOU have so much worth--because you do!
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Ps. I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, and experiences about finding joy in marriage! How does your spirituality impact your relationship with your spouse? And, if you appreciated this post, please Like/Share so others can join in the conversation! Thank you! :)
