By Amy
(Originally posted 1/14/13)
(Originally posted 1/14/13)
I wrote this a few days ago. Don't worry, I feel much happier now! Please don't stop reading before the end, cause the ending is happy, I PROMISE! :)
You know those elderly ladies at church who see
you with your baby and tell you with a wistful smile, “Be sure to love every
minute!” I wonder about that. I know they are missing their own
children, but still I wonder…really?
Is that even is possible?
Or is there something wrong with me that there are minutes (or longer…)
that I really don’t love?
Some may be disappointed in me when they read post, but I
started out in this blog wanting to be very honest, especially about things that we all deal with...I hope that even in our struggles, we can lift each other!
Well, here goes: There are days when I have a hard time being a mom. I struggled a lot (like, A LOT.) when I
first had Hayden, but slowly over time, the bad days outnumbered the good, and
now the bad days are more like a bad half-a-day every couple of weeks.
But today was one of the bad
days. I don’t mean a day when things go wrong, cause pretty much every
day there is a blow-out, food flung, being late to an appointment, or a cranky
baby, etc, …I am talking about the day when it gets to you. Emotionally
and spiritually. Days when I have thoughts like, “This is really
crappy.” And “I really stink at this.”
For a few days, things had been pretty rough. Finally, Hayden got over the stomach flu (…some bad puking—twice in the car—and diarrhea…) right in time for me to get it. My sweet husband took over baby duty that night after he heard me ralfing into the toilet (He informed me I sounded like a dragon…even in my miserable state, that was pretty dang funny) and I slept till morning.
The morning brought a super cranky baby and I still felt awful. He also wasn’t eating-I guess he didn’t have much of an appetite from having the stomach flu. So I was worrying about that. But at lunchtime, hallelujah-- Hayden FINALLY ate something!
Then-- suddenly...he pukes. Like a fountain. And it just…kept…coming. As it happened, I thought of how long it had taken to get even 3 ounces of food down him, and I almost swore (I don't cuss, so that it a big deal.) Poor babe. He looked so miserable. I unbuckled his booster-style high chair from the chair underneath, and carried everything, babe and all, and set it into the tub. Patrick (my night in shining armor...THANK GOODNESS this happened while he was home) hosed baber, his clothes and the high chair down after which I took baber into his room to dry him off and put on his third set of clothes for the day. It was nasty and smelly and I still didn’t feel fabulous, so I was concentrating on controlling my stomach.
Amidst all of this, I thought about my experience from the previous week--I thought for a few days that I was pregnant, but it was a false alarm. As I pulled dry clothes on him, trying to comfort him as he
cried, I noticed the familiar dull ache of cramps when I am on my period, and relief washed over me. I thought, “I'm glad I am not pregnant.” And
then came the whole avalanche of guilty thoughts intermixed with more guilt-causing
thoughts: “What is wrong with you?
You love your son. You know
how many women are longing to have children? “ then, “But, can’t I just adopt
three-year-olds? I like kids a
lot! Babies are just so hard!” Then, “Good grief, you probably
will be unhappy with each stage he reaches.”
Discouragement.
Self-Doubt and deep guilt for how I should be such a better mom and how
I should “love every minute”.
Well, covered in puke, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, I thought
defiantly, "I DON’T love this minute.
This is really hard."
I saw my husband come out of the bathroom and I started to cry. I told him, "I was so happy thinking our son was finally getting better and eating again, then he pukes all over….he keeps getting sick, he's been sick almost twice a month for the past four months," then, with a sob, "And...I feel SO guilty for how ok I am that I'm not pregnant." Patrick didn’t say much. He just hugged me and the bewildered baby in my arms (Why is momma crying?)
After I put Hayden down for a nap, I got into my own bed for some rest. Patrick
came and cuddled with me for a while. After he left, I snuggled down into my delicious bed and thought to myself,
“I asked Heavenly Father in my prayer this morning for charity and love. To be a good mom. Why do I feel so bad?" Then I sent Him a quiet plea, "Father, please help me feel
peace.”
I slept for a blissful hour and a
half. When I woke up, Patrick was playing with Hayden on the living room
floor. He had woken up from
his nap before me, and Patrick got him from his crib, making sure I got to finish my nap. They saw me walk in, and Patrick
said, “Look it’s momma!” My son’s
face lit up and he clumsily started crawling towards me. And my heart melted/mended all at the same time.
I met Patrick’s eyes and smiled. I scootched down closer to my
baber. I held him close and asked
him if his tummy felt better and he did his little happy squak at me….I felt the love
well up in me for my sweet little son and my thoughtful husband...and I knew I was fine again.
I thought, “Now this
is a minute I love.”
I guess that's the secret. We have to soak in the beautiful moments and cherish them. Then, when our day is awful, just like opening up a tiny treasure box, we can think back on our most beloved moments, and realize again that life is good.
Even during a
day that is messy, mundane, frustrating or all of the above, I want to “find
joy in the journey”. I want to focus on the good. Because, 40 years from now, I will be that elderly lady who sighs while watching a young mom and I'll think, "Oh, how I miss those days and my sweet babies."
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| Playing with Photo Booth on the computer |
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| Hayden, trying to grab the laptop...ha! |
I'm sorry for the miserable story, and I wish I could better express the thoughts and words in my heart, but much good came out of that day. I realized that even when I am discouraged, I love my life and the people in it, especially this sweet little baber. And that brings me so much joy!
-Amy
Moms, how about you?
Do you feel guilty for those moments you don’t love? How do YOU find joy in your journey? I really want to hear! :)